THE THIRD FORCE
All characters portrayed in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. No animals were harmed in the production of this script, though it is rumoured that a certain CAT died laughing after reading it in an undersea tunnel.
[Enter Dr Mahabir Mohamed, the Prime Minister of Malalala land]
Mahabir: Tax is the best form of defence, Lim. But we’ve just cut off the GST, the best form of revenue there is. It was all your father’s idea. So what do we do now?
Gun Eng: How about cutting down the number and size of government departments? We could do off with…oh, say, 500,000 personnel in a period of a year or so.
Mahabir: How much does the collective in your department earn?
Gun Eng: Which department Tun?
Mahabir: Oh, for god’s sake, Lim…I know you’re stupid, but not that stupid. Departments under the Ministry of Finance!!
Gun Eng: Ummm… well, we’re very small…
Mahabir: Five hundred, maybe six hundred thousand?
Gun Eng: About twenty-three million, to be precise.
Mahabir: TWENTY-THREE MILLION! In departments under the Ministry of Finance, twenty-three million just to feed administrators we need to squeeze other administrators! We need to do a time-and-motion study, see who we can get rid of.
Gun Eng: Ah, well, see…we already did that, me and Pua.
Gun Eng: Not pau lah…Pua….Tuny Pua.
Mahabir: Oh, you mean rabbit teeth?
Gun Eng: Yes, rabbit teeth.
Mahabir: Well, what did rabbit teeth say?
Gun Eng: It turns out we need another five hundred people and RM20 million monthly.
Mahabir: ANOTHER RM20 MILLION? Did you take me for a bank?
Gun Eng: No Tun, not you. Diam…my dad took him for a bank.
[Mahathir summons Diam into his room]
Mahabir: Diam, there has to be somewhere to cut spending, even if it means rolling 500,000 heads.
Mahabir: The Lims got us in because they think we sit on pots of gold!
Diam: But we do sit on pots of gold. Yours even has diamonds right underneath.
Mahabir: Shut up. I want to know how we’re going to justify the 500,000 head we’re going to roll.
Diam: Simple. We get Lim to speak to the press
Mahabir: He brings the stock market down every damn second he has his mouth open!
[Mahabir’s face brightens]
Mahabir: Ah…then we get our boys to buy up stocks! It’s brilliant.
Diam: Yes. We then tell the people that the debt was high under Najib due to unnecessary wastage on salaries and redundancies.
Mahabir: How do I phrase it…what do I say?
Diam: Let Lim do it.
Mahabir: That’s settled then. Tell Lim to call for a press conference immediately.
[Press conference by Lim Gun Eng]
Gun Eng: As far as we in the Ministry of Finance can see, looking at it by and large, the national debt under Najib was RM1 trillion. We can’t pay back. I was so shocked when I saw the red files that I was reduced to tears seeing how Barisan Nasional ruined the economy. But thank god we have bank…I mean, Daim…eh, Mahabir. He’s here to save us all. And yesterday, he told me that 500,000 heads must roll because his bank accounts…I mean, Diam…oh Gawd!!…the country….can’t take it.
[After presser, Gun Eng meets reporters]
Gun Eng: Send me the draft script before you publish anything. Skip the video. Don’t play play anymore ah?
Reporters: Yes YB.