Mahathir is bringing forks and spoons to sword-fights

“Interestingly, I remember the day RPK told me that clever colonels retire as colonels and make good in the real world while only stupid colonels go on to become Generals before retiring into oblivion. “Have you not realised,” said RPK, “that aside from Pakistan Harapan, military coups are normally headed by colonels and not generals? Normally in a colonel-headed military coup, it is the generals who would be lined up against the wall to face the firing squad.”

THE THIRD FORCE

Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad is up to his tricks again.

The fractured ex-premier, utterly devastated by the laughable 4,000-odd turnout at the 14th of October 2017 anti-Kleptocracy rally, saw no alternative but to launch a fresh round of attacks against the administration of Dato’ Seri Najib Tun Razak. But instead of striking the Prime Minister directly, he hired some ‘bigshot’ fellow to slingshot the attack by directing it at Raja Petra Kamarudin (RPK) instead.

Wait..wait… did I just say bigshot?

Sigh…that must have been the shot of tequila I had over diner doing the talking. The last I checked, all the ‘bigshots’ Mahathir assembled in his team were shot down by Najib one by one. And we’re talking the likes of Tan Sri Zeti Akhtar Aziz, Tan Sri Abu Kassim, Tengku Tan Sri Razaleigh Hamzah (the soothsayer), Tan Sri ‘Dragonslayer’ (I’m sure he’s out there somewhere…), and not forgetting, of course, the one and only, Tan Sri Abdul Gani Patail.

Yes, the super-duper “I’m out of your face now, so please, leave me alone” Gani Patail.

With the rest of his generals either ‘buried’ or ‘braindead’, Mahathir was left with little choice but to turn to Gani for help. So on Thursday night, Gani got in touch with – you guessed it – Mohamed Arshad Raji, the guy who broke headlines the world over when he single-handedly rescued Pope Francis from a runaway bullet train in the nick of time. So big is this fellow, even Mother Teresa (peace be upon her soul) was known to have said, “My life’s ambition has always been to meet Mohamed Arshad before I die.”

But jokes aside – Gani did get in touch with this retired Brigadier General from out of nowhere and told him to give Raja Petra Kamarudin (RPK) a “good tongue lashing.” Mohamed Arshad was told that RPK needed to be painted as an anarchist (pic belowseeking to trigger a state of emergency. Instead, the retired Brigadier General told Free Malaysia Today that RPK was irresponsible for inciting unrest by saying the nation was at the brink of a “civil war.”

Interestingly, I remember the day RPK told me that clever colonels retire as colonels and make good in the real world while only stupid colonels go on to become Generals before retiring into oblivion. “Have you not realised,” said RPK, “that aside from Pakistan Harapan, military coups are normally headed by colonels and not generals? Normally in a colonel-headed military coup, it is the generals who would be lined up against the wall to face the firing squad.”

Just so that you know, it was Mahathir who insisted that Gani get in touch with Mohamed Arshad. The former premier saw the need to work with Persatuan Patriot Negara (PPN) given that the association sounded very much like “Persatuan Selamatkan Negara” (Save Malaysia Association). Mohamed Arshad is currently the president of  PPN. Needless to say, Mahathir expects you to trust whatever this fellow says simply because he is in the business of ‘saving’ something or other.

Yes, this Arshad fellow quite the ‘patriot’ and was in the thick of things during the 13th May riots, the 1863 battle of Gettysbergy, the 1200 founding of the Mongol Empire by Genghis Khan, and not to mention, the day Lim Kit Siang declared Merdeka in 1957.

So you see, Mohamed Arshad may actually be a big shot and not some Mamak Kutty from Kerala.

And today, he is the new face of the ‘Save Malaysia’ campaign. He is the beacon of hope for all you naysayers who believe that Najib is driving the country bankrupt. Thanks to him, the ‘fog of uncertainty’ that smothered your conscience all these years has finally been cleared. You can rest assured that the retired Brigadier General will help save Malaysia immediately after Mahathir saves himself from the RM31.5 billion forex scandal.

Once that happens, and assuming Pakatan Harapan forms government, Mohamed Arshad plans to reduce administrative expenses by ‘draining the swamp’ the Najib regime ‘clogged’. By getting himself appointed Minister of Kementerian Kepala Hotak Hang (KKHH), the former Brigadier General will get to work reducing all forms of redundancies by first decommissioning the MACC. To justify the act, he will tell you that Malaysia has in place a police force capable of dealing with graft and does not need the MACC to do its job.

Next, the KKHH Minister will work towards dismantling the Malaysian immigration department and all its attendant concerns. To recompense the human resource deficit, Mohamed will hire police personnel to man international gateways via PDRM’s all new Unit Imigresen Kepala Hotak Hang (UIKKH). The sole purpose of this unit would be to do exactly what immigration officers are currently doing, save for the fact that officers would now be able to harass – I’m sorry, arrest – Alvin Tan on sight.

Yes, the more you think about it, the more you begin to understand this Arshad fellow.

And once you get to know him, you will understand why he questioned the government’s conviction towards a border security agency. Commenting on the tabling of the Malaysian Border Security Agency Bill 2017, he told FMT on the 7th of April 2017 that an army border brigade already existed to handle such stuff, that the establishment of a new agency would prove redundant. So you see, I wasn’t lying.

Mohamed Arshad is really an ‘anti-redundancy’ fellow.

So ‘anti-redundancy’ he is, on the 8th of March 2017, he told the DAP’s partner in crime – Malaysiakini – that the Chinese in Malaysia “risked losing their Malaysian-ness” simply because Najib decided to open the country’s doors to China. Yes, if KKHH ever sees the light of day, Mohamed Arshad will immediately establish Parti Cina Kepala Hotak Hang (PCKHH), sending a clear signal to China that we don’t need them – that our Chinese are already as yellow and as ‘Malaysianised’ as they come.

And speaking of Keralans…

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