When Mahathir meets Haniff Khatri to discuss The Third Force

THE THIRD FORCE

Yesterday, right after I published Mahathir Mohamad declares war against Christianity (READ HERE), I began amusing myself thinking what would happen if Dr Mahathir Mohamad were to meet Mohamed Haniff Khatri Abdulla. My dollar went on the two choking in anger as they sat facing each other Al-Pacino- vs-Robert-de-Niro-style discussing ways to ‘get rid’ of me.

Yes, I’m quite sure that the two didn’t take lightly being accused of waging war against Christianity. Come to think of it, Khatri is probably pissed that I made known the RM3 million he looted from the money pot Mahathir set aside for his (Mahathir’s) legal team. Imagine, this Khatri fellow didn’t even leave a dime for his teammates to share.

Seriously, if I were Khatri, I’d be so humiliated that I’d do the most honourable thing – I’d stand stark naked on Penang Bridge singing “I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts” before taking the plunge. You should try it, Khatri – it’s not so bad mid-journey once you realise what a scum of a man you truly are.

Sigh…if only I knew what Mahathir’s next meeting with scum…I mean, Khatri… would be like. Perhaps, just perhaps, it would go something like this:

Act I: Khatri enters Mahathir’s office and greets the former premier, who is seen sitting at his desk writing something on a piece of paper.

Khatri: Good tidings, Tun

Mahathir: (looks up, seems quite agitated) Bapak hang omputeh ke mak hang?

Khatri: I mean, good morning, Tun.

Mahathir: (murmurs) Morning…

Khatri: I hope the wind is blowing fortune to your side

Mahathir: (looks very agitated) Ko ni mai jumpa aku nak perli ye?

Khatri: Whatever do you mean Tun?

Mahathir: Haven’t you read The Third Force?

Khatri: Should I?

Mahathir: You should if you’re not the conniving agent provocateur Raggie Jessy says you are

Khatri: What? Conniving agent provocateur??

Mahathir: Is there an echo in here?

Khatri: Sorry Tun. Raggie called me a conniving agent provocateur?  

Mahathir: Just before calling me a Keralan snake, yes. He also mentioned the RM3 million I paid you…you know, the one you were supposed to share with the rest but stuffed in your underwear instead?

Khatri: Look Tun…I was meaning to pay the rest of the guys. I really didn’t have the time. I’ll get it done, I promise.

Mahathir: Kepala hotak hang you’ll get it done! The others have ditched me already lah. Now I’m stuck with you and that quack of a Chinaman.

Khatri: You mean Matthias Chang?

Mahathir: Yes la, that quack. Lima kes lawan, enam kalah…that quack. I think even the judges can’t tolerate his quack…

Khatri: (giggles)

Mahathir: That sounds funny to you? Hello, this Raggie Jessy fellow is getting bolder and bolder by the day. Yesterday, he accused me of paying you to propose that Dewan Bahasa dan Pustaka (DBP) be allowed to translate Bibles into Malay.

Khatri: But that is true Tun.

Mahathir: (face turns red) Of course I know that lah. But the people don’t need to know. Now it’s all over the web. He even exposed that bit about the National Evangelical Christian Federation (NECF)…

Khatri: What??

Mahathir: Oh, that surprises you does it?

Khatri: What?

Mahathir: (screams) Are you a parrot?

Khatri: I mean, what about the NECF?

Mahathir: You know lah…how I paid that US fellow to spy on Lim Kit Siang in the eighties, and how we discovered Kit Siang’s links with the NECF.

Khatri: But that’s the truth.

Mahathir: You and your truth…of course I know it’s the truth! But now the whole country knows I teamed up with a Chinaman who conspired with radical evangelists to Christianise Muslims.

Khatri: Oh, that cannot be good for you.

Mahathir: You’re damned right it can’t. And not for you either. This Punjabi rascal is turning out to be quite the badass. We’re Mamaks you know. How can we let that Punjabi mess with us Mamaks?

Khatri: That’s racist Tun. Besides, I heard he’s not a pure Punjabi, that he’s mixed.

Mahathir: Who gives a damn if he’s mixed??

Khatri: Ok, ok…but it’s still racist.

Mahathir: Racist, you say? And what do you call the DBP proposal you made? Is that not racist? Isn’t that like telling churches that we’re better qualified to interpret the Bible than they are?

Khatri: But who is to say we don’t have Christians on board the DBP who can perform the task?

Mahathir: Did you check? Did your proposal make mention of Christian employees?

Khatri: No.

Mahathir: Then shut up and help me think of ways to silence this Raggie Jessy fellow.

Act 2: Khatri sits by a coffee table with a laptop and scrolls through the article by Raggie Jessy. Mahathir, who is seated across the table, looks on.

Khatri: Tun, there is enough material in this article to sue this fellow to Kingdom Come. Seriously,why don’t we just sue him?

Mahathir: And have him flash videos and documentary evidence in front of TV cameras? Are you out of your freakin’ Mamak mind?

Khatri: You don’t really think he has evidence, do you?

Mahathir: Khatri, if I were to say that you raped a Chinese girl at 7.30 pm last Monday in Taman Chai Leng, and if it happens to be the truth, would you dare sue me?

Khatri: Of course not.

Mahathir: Surely you would know if it’s the truth, right?

Khatri: Yes.

Mahathir: I mean, if I could provide such detail, surely I would have the cut-and-dry proof to substantiate my claims, yes?

Khatri: Naturally.

Mahathir: Khatri, sometimes I wonder why you’re even my lawyer lah…I think all the dedak I’m feeding you is turning your brain into mush…

Khatri: (looks down)

Mahathir: Wei, tak payah nak wat toya kat sini lah…I’m still gonna pay you, so just help me think of ways to silence this Raggie Jessy fellow.

Khatri: Let’s fabricate evidence against him.

Mahathir: What sort of evidence?

Khatri: You know lah, his links with Najib.

Mahathir: I already asked Clare to do that.

Khatri: Seriously?

Mahathir: Yes. She will imply that Najib is party to all publications by The Third Force. There is a Sarawak Report editorial due next month that addresses this.

Khatri: Wonderful. Let’s see how that works out and take things from there.

Mahathir: Ok. But in the meantime, I want you to come up with more ways to throw this fellow under the bus.

Khatri: Who? Raggie?

Mahathir: No, your grandfather lah. Of course I’m talking about Raggie Jessy!

Khatri: Ok, ok…calm down…I’ll see what I can do…

– end –

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